I don't know how to start this

So I'll just start. I remember a passage from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance that said something like, your mind gets stuck when you're trying to do too many things at once, just start in any ol' order then piece it together, I think I'll do just that.

Starting this blog today to document this process that I'm in. Everyone is in a process, this specific juncture for me seems worthy of documentation because it is new for me. So alive. So doubtful, scary. I'm used to figuring everything out in my head before moving and I'm starting to move without planning every step. No protection, no safeguards, just raw flowing life.

I suppose part of writing this is a hope that I will find others in the same process. It's scary and daunting to journey alone and I do hope to find some friends, some fellow travelers.

My story is not new, albeit a few twists and turns that may be unique to me but otherwise, just another track in what I imagine is the core of the human condition. Searching for meaning, suffering, battling addictions, falling in love, fighting like hell, just falling, trying to figure it all out as if there were something to figure out.

What's different about this particular time in my life is I'm experimenting with something I've never experimented with, and sharing with the world is a piece of that experiment. Also, with all the emotions and ups and downs, I think this a great place to sort out my thoughts.

Now to get a little more concrete. A little more sharing. I'm in my mid-thirties, pretty successful in typical worldly standards. Staff software engineer at a top tech company making far more than I feel like I should for what I do. The house, the money, the job, the marriage, the prestige. I have everything that I dreamed of as a child, or rather everything I was programmed to dream of. I suppose I'm still working on the final piece, the child, but I imagine, just like everything else, it won't be what I imagine. If I were to really do some excavation, I remember far less practical dreams as an even younger child, dreams of saving the world from impending asteroids, being an inventor, a scientist, creating and building things with my hands. Somewhere along the way of growing up, my dreams transformed, slowly, most imperceptibly, until 30 years later, I've woken up in somebody else's dream. Well, I've gotten everything, now what?

So begins my journey, as many others have started before me. A deviation from my programmed dream, a step outside the matrix. I no longer want to blindly, sleepily trod through every day of life, I want to feel alive, follow my excitement like I did as a child, because after all, what are we here for besides play, as my wife likes to remind me. Follow joy, she would say. I suppose I do owe her a great deal for reminding me of what I once knew intuitively. It took her as a mirror to see how sad and miserable my natural state was, living that way. I know this de-programming is not going to happen overnight, it'll be a process. I still have bills to pay, responsibilities to tend to, insurance to enjoy. Slowly but surely, I will find my way back towards joy. "I have no idea where I'm going, but I know exactly how to get there" - The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life.

I think that's all I want to say today, this will be the start of what I hope to be a series of weekly posts, documenting the very real and raw chapters of this journey. I hope this may find and resonate with even just one kindred soul out there. May this story find you well!